I know what it sounds like. I am not a misanthrope. I don't hate people but it appears that people hate me. It's either that or people do things without realising how annoying they are- I prefer the former explanation as spite is better than the painful truth that humans are completely oblivious to their annoying habits.
I hate it when people cry in front of me, I ask them what is wrong and they weave something vague about how terrible their life is into knowingly unconvincing 'nothing is wrong' statements. Then I ask them to specify, and they say the three most insincere words in the English dictionary; I am fine. Oh, are your eyes just weeing? Are they just leaking acid burns into my conscience? I am not going to try and dig into your soul and play hide and seek with your problems, either allow me to help you or I need you and your tears to exit my presence.
I hate it when people hash tag unnecessarily. For every hash tag you use on Facebook, I will tattoo it onto your face. A more aggressive sequel to The Scarlet Letter. How very rebellious of you to blur the boundaries between two social networking sites. Maybe you can get Tom Hardy to play you in the film. It's not only Facebook where tagging is completely unnecessary, but Instagram. A picture of a leaf is then captioned by every single word in the English Language.I hate Ellie Goulding.
I hate it when people use stupid phrases. 'What's done is done.' Oh, is that how it works? Because I had the distinct impression that 'The Power of Love' was about to come on with Marty McFly and the Doc beckoning me to drive off in a DeLorean. To all those people who missed that reference, you are the worst kind of human being and you top my most hated list. Not just little sayings like that, but also dbag pop phrases like this; 'I want to join the mile high club'. This particular saying has caused me quite a bit of humiliation recently. When a co-worker said this to me, I told them to go online and fill out a form. I have since learned that the 'mile high club' is not an Air-miles initiative and that you most definitely cannot fill out a form.
I hate people who do something once and are suddenly experts. You went camping once, that doesn't make you Bear Grylls. Squeeze camel crap into your mouth and then we'll talk. Related to this are people who say pretentious faeces after going abroad. 'Oh, when I was in Italy they cooked pasta in the proper way. And by the way, it's pronounced parmejannnoooooo, not parmesan'. Sorry didn't mean to be a pleb. What's Italian for my foot up your ass?
I hate people who use their hands free when their hands are actually free. If you're walking around in public, holding your phone in front of your mouth whilst you have your headphones in, I bid you a fate worse than death. I hope your headphones get stuck in your ears and Cher's Greatest Hits play through them on loop forever.
This is how I feel.
